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Chapter 1 – What About Me?

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” – Maya Angelou

Y’all, it happened. We woke up one day, and we discovered that we were in the part of the journey called Midlife. You and I are both inhabitants of the magical mystical place called “older than you thought was cool and younger than your grandparents” (for now HA!) we can all scream together in 5,4,3,2,1… AAAHHHHH!!!!!

What happened? Where did the time go? Where did life go?

Right about now it’s really clear how the crisis talk is a thing. Oh yeah… It’s definitely a thing. In midlife, after you’ve done all the “goals stuff” and most of the things you were told you were supposed to do, you start to ask yourself what now? Do I still want to be doing what I’m doing? Am I wasting my life? Did I waste my life? Am I too late to go for it?

You might even harbor a little resentment for all the energy you’ve been giving away to other people’s goals and dreams. That could sound something like this, “I’ve been taking care of everyone else and everything else. What about me? What about the things that I wanted to do, but I never did?”

Panic can start to set in when you find yourself wondering, “What do I really want to be when I grow up?” Panic happens because when you really think about it, most of us don’t know.

You’ve taken care of the kids, you paid the mortgages, you’ve mowed the lawns, you graduated from the schools or dropped out like I did, you washed the dishes, you’ve taken out the laundry, you drove your kids and sometimes other people’s kids around to all the games and activities, and maybe you’ve even earned some extra money to buy something after you paid the bills!

Seems like you do X, Y, and Z and over ten years go by.

Then your forties arrive and all the things that you felt you had to take care of, the people, the job, and all the other adulting things that you were obligated to are no longer obligated to you. You start to realize that there are some “YOU” things that you put on the back burner for all those responsibilities and now you want to put them on the front. I mean, it seems like everyone else is putting their goals and dreams at the front.

(Side note: Of course they are. That’s what you taught them. You showed them that their needs were primary. They’re just doing what you showed them. Don’t hate the playa hate the game. You did this.)

Because of all the to-do’s getting to-done you feel like you’re behind. Mostly because your to-do’s didn’t quite make the get it to-done list. Am I right or am I right?!?

You feel like you wasted time. You might also feel like you can’t just do that thing you’ve always wanted to do. At your age, that would be highly irresponsible. No matter how hard you try to reason with yourself that everything’s ok, it’s all good, it’s all going out workout. You can’t seem get rid of that “Uh-Oh” feeling in your gut.

Enter me, the guide to your own version of YOUR successful second half. Someone who’s been where you are and made it out alive. Let me tell you that the journey ahead is not easy, but it is doable. I wrote this book for you so that you won’t have to go through all the things that I had to go through to get here.

Where’s here you ask, oh… It’s called “Clarity Land for The Over 40 Crowd”. It’s a long name, but it’s a happy place so we inhabitants roll with it. I’m determined to help you down your own yellow brick road to your midlife Oz. The Emerald City awaits and it awaits for you!

Now, the common questions for those who start down this path are…

• “Is it too late?” and “Am I too old?”
• The short answer is no. The long answer is “It’s not that simple”.
• The first thing you have to understand is this…

“You are the love of your life!” – Viola Davis

Not all the things that you’ve been putting first. YOU! You are the love of your life. There is a great video on the bonus download that comes with this book. In the video Viola Davis says that she had to learn that she was the love of her life. I’ll give you a link to that in a minute, but before you go downloading the free bonus guide and all that jazz. You MUST understand this.

Your first obligation before moving down this yellow masonry masterpiece towards your second half is to make sure that YOU are ok. In this part of life YOU have to be the most important person to YOU. Not your spouse, not your friends, not your family, YOU!

Storytime…

There I was sitting in the room with someone who had given to literally everyone that she knew. Believe me when I say that my mom was beyond generous to lots of people. Many of whom we’d just met and often at our own expense. However, despite her huge heart and her incredible generosity towards others, I was the only one in the room with her when she took her last breath. Even in her final moments she was giving to me. Even in her final moments she was teaching me. She was teaching me that you leave this world just like you came in.

By yourself.

However, Katie Horne wasn’t finished there. Do you know how many people came to her funeral? Just her kids, a couple of people that she’d just met, our spouses and our kids, my dad, and two of his brothers. No friends, no cousins, none of the people she’d given to when she didn’t have it, not even any of her brothers or sisters. NONE of them.

I still remember how we used to feverishly clean the house when people were coming to visit. I still remember how we had to leave the chicken legs for the guests and then after they fixed their plates, we could grab the pieces that were left. (It’s a southern thing. You might not understand. HA!) I still remember how presentable everything had to be for people who kept it moving when it was time to give back. I’m telling you that to tell you this.

My friend, your second half of life is for you. Now is the time for you to really meet and get to know the love of your life. Yourself. It’s also time for you to care for them.

“The only thing constant is change.”- African Proverb

One other thing I want you to wrap your little head around before you go any further. In today’s world, things change a lot faster than they did back when we were kids. The trend cycles are shorter than they’ve ever been, and they will continue to get shorter with advances in ai. However, never fear. Underdog is here!

Things are changing quickly and they are going to keep change at lightning speed. You are going to need to be open to changing with them and quickly. I have a secret to share with you, my fellow Midlifer that most writers won’t share. You and I are the perfect generation for this amazing time of rapid change.

We are the last and only generation to know what life is like off grid and on. We are the only generation to know what life was like before the internet and after the internet. We are the last generation to know what it’s like to get things literally “out the mud”.

(Big apologies to my G.I. Joe action figures. You probably still have dried mud in places people wouldn’t believe. Sorry. You really were and are troopers.  )

Speaking of getting things “out the mud”.

When I was younger “The Facts of Life” (yes the television show) had an episode about latch key kids. Hollah if you remember that episode. For those of you who don’t…

On this particular episode they wanted us to know the dangers of being a kid who came home to an empty house. They played the sad music. The actors had all the concerned faces and all the things. The tone was set. Something bad was happening or was about to happen. This little girl on the show had to go home and let herself in because her mom had to work. She was living the “hard life” of a… DUN…DUN…DUUUUUN! Latchkey kid.

When my sisters and I realized what was going on… OH HOW WE LAUGHED!” Ms. Garret and the crew were concerned because this little kid was taking care of herself after school. WE laughed because WE realized, thanks to Tootie, Blair, Natalie and Joe that WE were latch key kids! When our parents got home, we told them of the injustice they were putting us through. It was quite the fun time.

(Sidenote: My parents’ laughs were probably from not knowing what to do with the new information that they were somehow “failing” their kids. The 80’s was super judgmental. IYKYK. Our laughs came from realizing that they, the Facts of Life producers, clearly didn’t know that 80’s kids were a different breed.)

Listen, as a latch key kid, my sisters and I learned how to cook, clean, and take care of things around the house that help me to this day.

“To This DAY!” – Deyonte Wilder

Funny latchkey kid story: One summer my sisters and I even had to call the cops on this random guy who started breaking into our house via the roof. There we were, home alone during the summer, minding our own latchkey kid business when some random guy rings the doorbell. Of course, we don’t answer because latchkey kid rule #1 states and I quote, “don’t answer the door to random strangers.”

He keeps ringing the door bell and not going away. This dude proceeds to climb onto the roof and start “working” on the shingles on our roof or whatever. So, we call the police.

The cops show up, get the guy off the roof, and he tells them and us that he had the wrong house. He said that he was supposed to be working on the house down the street. RIIIIIIGHHHT! I can still see his long brown hair and piercing green eyes. HA!

I don’t know about you, but to this day I’ve NEVER seen a one-man roofing crew. Latchkey kids 1 – Random guy trying to break into houses via the roof. – 0

That’s who we are. We are the protect the house get things done generation. That’s you. That’s me. That’s we. My friend, it’s time to get things done again. This time for you.

I get it. Life gets weird when the songs from your youth are playing on the Old School R & B station. It’s eye-opening when the shows that you remember from your childhood joke about things that nobody under 30 would understand. It’s alarming when celebrities your age die of natural causes and people say… “She really had a great life” and not #gonetoosoon.

Throw in a couple nostalgic videos on social media of 80’s malls and kids in high school in the 90’s and it can freak you the flip out!

“That was how long ago?” – You say to yourself.

“I’m not ready to get off the ride of life quite yet.” – You think. “There are things that I still want to do. There are places that I still want to go. (For me it’s Accra. I’ve GOTTA see Ghana and the continent. GOTTA!)

Then as you start to make your plans to do those things that you just gotta do, the “how are you gonna do that’s” set in.

Boxed in by duty and responsibility, you start to feel trapped. You also know that you ain’t no spring chicken as my dad used to say. Plus, part of you knows that there is no way you’re getting off this ride called life without at least trying to do some of the things that you’ve always wanted to do.

“What do you do when the world tells you that you can’t because you’re too old or you have to many responsibilities or whatever…?

You do what all of us Midlifers do when someone triple dog dares us. You figure it out, write a book about it, and leave it out like buried treasure for other Goonies to find.

This book is your second half treasure map, my friend. The gold is at the end and let me tell you it’s UH-MAZING. If you thought the first half of life was good. Wait until you see what’s possible in your second half. Here we go!

“I’ll see you on the other side of the war.”- Marquis De Lafayette – Hamilton the Musical

The Midlife In Crisis!

“Who are you, really?”Atreyu – NeverEnding Story

Are you an Eva?

We all have big plans about who we’re going to become when we’re young. We know exactly where we’re going to live, we know how long it’s going to take to get our super star status. Give or take a day or two, and we all know that we are going to succeed! At least we think we know.

I knew exactly who I was when I started out as a young twenty-something venturing out into the world. I was a pretty good musician who had won a lot of choir award thingies, plus I had been on Star Search, so I was certified! I went to college because people told me that I should. I even got a full ride scholarship and just like a young person who doesn’t know what they’re doing I lost it. I failed multiple finals at the end of my freshman year and that put me on academic probation. Can’t really have a scholarship if you’re not a scholar.

(Short story: My high school girlfriend broke up with me, and I chose not to study because I was “heartbroken”. To top it off God was playing some kinda joke on me. That day Brian McKnight’s song “One Last Cry” came out and it came out while I was driving home to cry to my mom about what had just happened. Anyways, I lost my scholarship. Ahhh kids. Don’t worry. My story gets better.)

Since I didn’t have a scholarship anymore, I left school to pursue a music career in the big ol’ L.A. I was going to get a record deal and tour the world! In my mind I was “that guy”. At least I thought I was. I moved to L.A. in my 85 Nissan Sentra and about 1500 bucks in my pocket. Despite not having any music industry connections or songwriting ability upon arrival I did end up landing a record deal and touring the world. Oh, but when that same guy turned forty-five… The older version of that guy felt lost with a capital L. Who Am I Supposed To Be Now? Was the continuous question.

So I bought a bunch of books on the subject and less than one of them resonated with me. Let’s just say I’m not an inevitable decline type of guy. That lack of resources and voices that felt like what I was looking for led to me going down the who did what I want to do rabbit hole.

After doing some research for my own journey and also this book, I found that there are three major types of midlifers. We don’t all fit into these neat little categories exactly, but we do come pretty close. Let’s find out which one you are starting with the “Eva” type.

Eva knew what she wanted to be when she grew up. She wrote it down in the back of her middle school yearbook and she signed it. “Eva the Great” one heart, a pair of xo’s and one smiley face.

Of course, her friends laughed at her big dreams and told her that her goals were unrealistic. They even had the nerve to say that she wasn’t the type of person who becomes a (Eva’s big career goal here).

“You should probably have a fallback plan,” they said.

Eva didn’t have a fallback plan. She was an Eva. She could be heard saying “My fallback plan is that I don’t plan to fall back.” Even back then she was a bit of a gangsta.

Eva went to college, got that career that she wrote about in her middle school yearbook and like Clara Villarosa, Eva became the BAWSE. More on Clara here in a minute.

Eva married Jayden, and two years later their little bundle of joy arrived. Despite their busy work schedules, Eva made sure that she was at every school play, basketball game, and field trip.

One day while Eva was going about her #MomBAWSE business, her bundle of joy David came up to her and said, “Mom, I know what I want to be when I grow up.”

A flood of middle school memories came rushing back to her.

“What?” She asked with anticipation.

“I want to be a pro-gamer!”

“Whomp to the WHOMP!” Eva thought to herself, but she didn’t say it out loud. She had her son’s dream to protect.

“That’s awesome, sweetie!” (That’s what she actually said.)

Eva gave her son David a big hug and the little guy bounced out of the room on cloud nine. Eva then hopped on Google to see what the heck the interwebs had to say about this pro-gamer thing.

To her “all-dreams-are-possible” surprise, she found that today’s video game playing kids were NOT at all like the dirty-T-shirt empty-pizza-boxes-all-over-the-floor gamers she remembered. These kids were the superstars of the online world. These young people were not only living their dreams – they were also making some serious money!

After reading a few articles about “Tai Benat” and “Mrs. Crease” (not their real names), Eva was ready to go all in with helping her little David make his dreams come true. She bought David a gaming computer and paid extra for the high-speed internet. She even took him to a couple gaming conventions.

(For any of you who don’t know, pro-gamers are now called “content creators”. They bougie now.)

With her help, David was making 80k as a “content creator” before graduating high school. Thanks, Mom!

Or…Maybe you’re more like an Alex.

Alex started their own business when they were young. They’re the go-to expert in their industry and things are go-to-ing great! They go out with their friends and unwind from their crazy work week doing things that they love. However, going out has started to feel kinda strange.

“When did I become the old person in the room?” they ask themselves.

Add the fact that they still have dreams of becoming a full-time musician, and you have the perfect ingredients for a midlife crisis.

At their 45^th birthday party their quiet inside voice said, “Well Alex, it really is now or never. You’re forty-five. You owe it to yourself to at least try. The regret of not going for it ain’t it.”

“We HAVE to go for it – NOW!” their inner voice screamed over the out-of-tune singing of “Happy Birthday.” (The out-of-tune part was their words, not mine. They musiciany like that.)

(Fun fact: Also, on the free bonus download there is a surprising video about the average age of the top ticket selling musicians. Apparently concert goers like the older musicians. I shared that for the Alex’s on here. Check it out if you want.)

Maybe… you’re a Corey.

Corey is a single father. His daughter Aliyah got up from the kids table at the family reunion and proclaimed, “Dad! I know what I want to be when I grow up! I want to play professional soccer.”

Of course, the “Realistics” chimed in:

“Do you know the odds of becoming a pro soccer player?” said Aunt Jazzy.

“You should probably have a fallback plan.” Uncle Junior added.

The “Realistics” always got something to say when it comes to other people’s dreams! Corey quickly moved in for the counter.

“That’s great sweetie! You’re going to be the soccer GOAT! My little Marta 2.0!” he confirmed.

Then, after high school, Aliyah changed her mind. She decided that she didn’t exactly know what she wanted to do with her life – – which is fine because she’s freakin’ 18 years old. However, it did bum Corey out. Not because club soccer is a fortune, which it is, but because in a “Dad Superhero” kind of way, he felt like he had failed her.

“I should’ve been more aggressive in helping her fight out the “Realistics” and “Doubting Thomases.” He thought to himself.

“I should have worked harder to help his baby girl reach her dream. Is it my fault?” he thought. Either way, Corey found himself driving away from the women’s dorm with his baby girl in the rear view. Did he cry? Of course he did! Leaving your baby at college is kind of a big deal.

Whether you’re Eva, Alex, or Corey, this is the part of life where we all start to do some evaluating. This is the part where we all start to think… “What do I do now?”.

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What do you think? I hope that you enjoyed it. As you know the best way to give me your thoughts is to hit reply on the email that I sent earlier today! Thanks everyone for your help! I hope this was helpful! – Troy